Deep in thought

Alone again.....

2009-09-24T14:43:26+02:00

As promised, I finished with my (now) ex on 19th June. She took £180 from that box in two weeks in the end. She couldn't even admit to what she'd done. She moved out after three weeks of me sleeping on the sofa and her acting like normal, as if I might back down or believe that she didn't do it even though there was no other explanation as to how the money had gone missing. Then about a month ago, I found out she'd cheated on me with a girl I never liked because I knew how much she fancied my ex, yet tried to pretend to be my mate. I confronted my ex about it and again (surprise surprise) she pleaded innocence. Even when the facts are there in front of her she can't admit to things because she's lied for too long.

I did my best to distance myself from her - not see her, not contact her, not think her about her etc etc. But she insisted on seeing me last week after two weeks of no contact so that she could 'get some stuff off her chest'. After ranting and crying and still saying she was innocent, she admitted to the cheating but wouldn't admit the whole truth about it. When I mentioned the stealing she said she should just tell me what I wanted ot hear. I said I just wanted to hear the truth and she said she took the money. It was punishment because she felt crap that I had money and she never did, even though she'd just started a new job. I got upset because things had been good between us at the time and I couldn't understand why she'd want to throw it all away like that if she'd really loved me. She then got pissed off because I wouldn't break down in front of her but eventually I got her to leave. As she went to the door, she asked if we could ever be friends! I told her I never wanted anything to do with her and she said "In that case, I cheated on you with my ex too". What a bitch!

I just don't know why I pick these women! Why do I give my heart, time and effort to these lying, cheating, thieving idiots?! I can't believe I was such a mug. Our relationship was a joke and she clearly never truly loved me. I'm so mad at myself for trusting someone I knew had that kind of history. I can't believe I bought it when she said things were different with me!

And now I'm single again. And hating it. All my friends are paired up and we all run in the same circles. So I don't have any single mates to hang out with and there aren't any lovely lesbians they can introduce me to. I'm no good at doing the single thing and chatting people up in bars. I just want to find a nice, caring, successful woman who can make me laugh, won't screw me over and wants to have fun! But it seems I'll never meet her........

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It's over

2009-06-16T14:09:17+02:00

Why do I manage to pick the liars, the deceivers, the downright dishonest?! I swore I would never get into a relationship with someone like my ex, who lied and manipulated me to the extreme. I promised myself I'd regain my self confidence, become independent, and never let myself be used again. And yet, I seem to be right back where I started.

I almost split a few months ago from my current(ish) girlfriend. Things hadn't been great with us due to her grandad passing away, losing her job, us trying to live together for the first time and money being incredibly tight as I tried to support both of us. It was at that point that I discovered what a lier she was. Sometimes about little stupid things that there was no point in lying about, sometimes huge things that could really damage our relationship. And she's not exactly any good at lying! So in the end it all came to a head, I told her what I knew and I thought (after lots of talking and crying) that we could move on from it. I was wrong.

She's stealing from me. I keep money in a box beside our bed for spending and/or putting in the bank when I get a chance. Now and then there has been £20 less in there than I expected, but I tried to convince myself I had forgotten spending or dipping into the money. Even then I was suspicious because it happened frequently enough for me to doubt I could forget that often. So this month I double and triple checked how much money went in that box. In 2 weeks its £120 down. I can't believe it.

I know she spent her money too quickly so she had nothing by 1st June. But what on earth could she need that much money in that short a time scale for?! I've never let her go without. I've kept a roof over our heads, paid the bills, bought the food, given her spending money to go out, bought her books to fill her quiet time at work, given her lifts......and this is how she repays me?! There is no excuse. It's over and I will not be swayed on that. Once I get the £100 she owes me for bills on Fri, we're finished. She's got till the end of the month to move out.

I just can't believe I let myself be taken for a mug again.

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What are you twittering about?!

2009-03-30T15:12:39+02:00

OK, so I finally caved to media/peer/parental pressure & curiosity and joined Twitter. But I'm not really sure what all the fuss is about. I'm a Facebook addict and proud of it! But Twitter just seems to have nicked the idea of 'statuses' and created a whole site devoted to them. A little boring, no? You can't even make your profile look jazzy!

Have I missed the point of Twitter? It's only day one, so maybe it'll grow on me. Or maybe they'll turn it in to just another MySpace or Facebook. I guess I'll just have to wait to see if I get addicted to this too...

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Fantasies

2009-02-25T12:24:40+01:00

For the first time in my life, the idea of a threesome popped into my head as a positive thing. I'm ashamed to say that it happened while having sex with my girlfriend and when I closed my eyes and saw this little scene playing out, she wasn't one of the three. It seems strange to me, because I've never thought of the idea of a threesome as a turn-on. But I certainly enjoyed the images in my head that night!

I don't think I could ever go through with such a fantasy. I just don't see how someone wouldn't end up with their feelings hurt. If two of the three are a couple, then it's like watching your partner cheat on you. And if you do it with two single friends, then how is it not incredibly awkward the next day? But I know I could never sleep with people I hardly knew. And what if one person got more attention than another, or one had real feelings for one of the others? Plus, I'm not really sure how a threesome would work without someone being left out at moments. Specially as my threesome would involve three women!

But then, I really did enjoy the little scene in my head. Maybe if I were single with two sexy women, I might be more tempted? Specially if all the attention was on me. Too much pressure, the thought of satisfying TWO women for a night! Lol. I know I would never go through with it, even if the opportunity ever arose. For now, I can just be content with my thoughts....

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Single life vs love

2009-02-05T12:01:37+01:00

I'm not sure what I want anymore..... Sometimes I feel so happy and contented when I'm with my girlfriend. Life seems perfect. But actually, she really annoys me a lot of the time. And there are some fundamental parts of her character that I absolutely detest. She's incredibly racist and prejudice. She doesn't seem to really like PEOPLE, which means there are very few of my friends that she doesn't slag off. I know I've lost most of my closest mates due to moving away, but that doesn't mean I want to distance myself further from the ones still left.

Maybe we've moved in together too early. Because that seems to have highlighted all the niggles that make us argue all the time. There are habits and lack of thought that just grate on me. And I know I do the same for her. I think we're actually quite similar in personality, which is why we argue sometimes. Because she likes things done her way and so do I, because she interrupts me and I do her, because she never believes that I know what I'm talking about and apparently I make her feel the same. A lot of the time, I feel like she actually doesn't like who I am.

Is it just that the honeymoon period is over? Or is it more than that? How do I know if it'll work out? How do I know we'll be happy? How do I know she's the one I'm meant to be with?

Lately, I've found myself yearning to be by myself, to be single again. To be able to be selfish and do the things I want to do. To have time to myself. To follow my own daily routine. To have a bit of space. But I do love her. How can I give that up? I'm just so confused.

Perhaps it's because she doesn't really have many friends. And she'll usually only go out if I go too. Where as I like to catch up with people by myself, or would like the option of having a night to myself when she goes to hang out with mates. I've never been one for 'merging' and becoming a couple joined at the hip. Whereas that's seems to be what suits her. Are we just incompatible or want different things? I just don't know anymore!

I don't want to break her heart or push her into depression. Life's hard at the moment, especially for her, and I don't want to make it worse. Plus, she can't find work at the moment, so she'd have to keep living with me if we broke up. She's got nowhere to go and I don't want to kick her out onto the streets. I don't want to hurt her and break all the loving promises we've made because of my own selfish wants.

I just wish she'd cheat on me, so I had reason to end things. Then I wouldn't have to be confused anymore.

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Self Destructive

2008-11-11T16:39:51+01:00

I don't know what it is about me that makes me wish for problems and depression. I would never want to make light of someone with issues or troubles, but sometimes I just can't stand being happy.

Sometimes I want to do or say things that I know I'll regret later and will make me feel down. But its almost like I WANT to feel the regret and the hurt and the loneliness. I'm not supposed to be unhappy. I have my own place, a loving family, a great girlfriend, enough friends to get by, a good job, career prospects.... So why do I feel annoyed that I have all this and wish I had reason to stay in bed every day feeling sorry for myself? I'm scared I'm going to throw away all this great stuff just to depress myself!

But I guess, maybe I feel like this because I'm NOT happy. Maybe all these things aren't enough, or the right things, to make me enjoy life. I guess I just don't feel content. And the only times I've ever truly had moments of contentment were when I was by myself, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by natural beauty. I dream sometimes of travelling the world by myself with nothing more than a tent and a sleeping bag. But that's not realistic. You need money to even begin thinking about something like that.

I don't know, maybe I've just got itchy feet. I've been in my job for 10 months now with no real change in the work. I've been with my girlfriend for 9 months and I still have doubts that we're supposed to be together. It's not that the relationship is terrible, it's just I worry that only ever being with two people in my life isn't enough, or that I don't feel the love like I should. Have I settled? Did I just get tired of being single and took the first opportunity that came along? But if I end it, it may be the biggest mistake I've ever made. Why do I wish for the single life I had before that I hated so much?

The trouble is, I don't want to make any decisions about this. If things went wrong by themselves, then I can't blame myself. So that's what I wish for. I want my girlfriend to cheat on me so I have reason to end it. I want to be made redundant and become a hermit living on the pay out. I want to be diagnosed with a terminal illness. I even consider how I'd be if someone close to me died, but I don't want that. I don't want to hurt others with my own morbid thoughts.

My brain is so warped! I don't know why I want these things, because I know if any of them happened I'd be devastated and wish for what I have now. So I'm trying to fight my destructive thoughts....but I don't think I'm winning.

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Mmmm...bed!

2008-10-30T17:19:00+01:00

Bed is just the best place to be. Its warm and comforting, safe and snuggly, it lets you shut out the world when there's chaos all around. Being in my bed is my favourite place in the world.

I don't know if it's a lazy thing, or a feeling of being protected, but I always find solace when I crawl into bed. In my lower moments, its been hard to find reasons to leave my bed, to acknowledge the world and let all the problems in. Bed is the one place I can cry, or smile, or nap without wondering how it appears to anyone else. I could do everything from my bed - eat, sleep, work, watch TV, play games, talk on the phone - and I pretty much did while I was a student. It was so much nicer to be studying while wrapped up warm and comfy, rather than sitting on a hard chair in the oppressive silence of the library with all those hard working people surrounding me. I think I spend most of the day craving my bed, from the moment I have to leave it to go to work till those wonderful words are uttered..."bedtime". I can't understand why children fight it so much!

And now I have another sharing my bed. But I don't feel like anything has been taken away. Now not only the bed comforts me, but so do the warm arms of my partner. She is just as comfy as my mattress and feeling her near me, breathing her snoozy breaths, helps me fall into an easy sleep. If it's possible, I look forward to 'bedtime' even more now! Oh, and of course, there are the more adult reasons for enjoying sharing a bed with someone, but I don't want that to taint the wonderful image of being in bed. It's just a nice bed-related bonus of not being single!

So I wish to praise the makers of beds, mattresses, duvets and pillows everywhere! For you have made for us the perfect place to be, any time of day or night, in any situation or period of your life. Your bed will always be there for you. So go have a snooze....

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What's missing?

2008-09-25T15:19:46+02:00

I do love my girlfriend and she loves me too, and at this precise moment in time we're very happy. So what's the problem? Why do I still have doubts?

I was single for four years and, although I was lonely and very ready to start a new relationship, I guess I got used to being by myself. I made plans assuming I'd never find someone - things like living abroad for a few years, going travelling again - that now will never be fulfilled. I learned to be happy(ish) being independent, looking after myself and not needing anyone. Its a habit I still find difficult to break, despite being with my lady for almost 8 months now. I don't want to become dependent on her or rely on her being around, because one day she might not be.

Its not just the vulnerability thing though. There are aspects of my single life that I really miss. Being able to do what I want when I want for a start, without having to check with my partner first. Being able to flirt outrageously for fun, getting drunk and talking crap, not worrying about who I talk to in my local lesbian pub - all things I can't really do now. And I know, you trade some things for others that are just as good when you get with a special someone. But I still miss them. I feel I have to be more restrained these days.

I know my girlfriend gave up a lot to be with me. She's never really been a relationship person before, and her old life consisted of drugs, drink and sleeping around for the most part. She flitted from job to job and cheated on all but one girlfriend she's had. She's settled down a lot since getting with me which I really appreciate, because I'm not like that. I'm responsible and put others before myself and really couldn't have coped with the stress of worrying what she was getting up to. Trouble is, I'm worried she misses that 'party' lifestyle she had and maybe one day will go back to it - that would pretty much be the end of us. She won't even put herself in an environment where she could start doing drugs or get so drunk she cheats. Not because it doesn't interest her anymore but because she doesn't trust herself not to go back to her old ways - she wouldn't have the will power. That makes me worry.

I guess I can't hold 'what ifs' against her forever, and she's proved how much she loves me so far. She's a more sensible, honest, loyal person these days. But I still can't shake this feeling of there being something missing. Shouldn't I know for definite if she's the one? I would never have pictured myself ending up with her. Maybe I got with her just because I was sick of being single. Maybe only having two relationships in my life makes me worry I'll want to 'sow my wild oats' later on. Maybe she'll hurt me & I'll have wasted this time.

I'm happy, but is that enough?

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To be needed, not listened to

2008-09-16T12:14:11+02:00

I've always chosen to put my issues on hold while I help others. I think it shows that I'm a good friend, one always willing to listen and advise those in need. I do what ever I can to make my friends happy. But perhaps thats my downfall?

I've never been good at sharing my problems with others. Maybe its because of the way I was brought up. Maybe its because, for the majority of my childhood, I didn't feel like I fit in or connected with those around me. Maybe its because I never believed my problems even came close to the dramatic lives of my friends. I've dealt with the people I care most about having eating disorders, depression, being attacked, suicide attempts, family grief.....how could my I let my silly problems effect me when they were still surviving through all of that?

But as I got older, people started coming to me less and less. I don't think it was a comment on me, but when the problems become more serious and grown up I no longer had the answers. And as you get older, maybe you feel like you should deal with stuff on your own. But I'd created this little niche for myself that was no longer needed. I was no longer needed. And suddenly, when your friends aren't sharing their problems with you anymore, it removes all possibility of sharing your own with them. How can I be so vulnerable with people who aren't vulnerable too?

My girlfriend tells me off all the time. She says I shouldn't get so involved in everyone's lives, that there are those who abuse my willingness to listen. But what she can't seem to understand is that without that use I am nothing, no-one, just another acquaintance in people's lives. I need to be needed. That is my folly.

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Getting it off my chest

2008-09-15T11:05:34+02:00

What else could I do but start a blog?! There's no-one to talk to who I trust enough or would understand. I have all these thoughts and feelings running though me and no outlet. And I never seem to have the privacy to write in my 'Thoughts' book anymore. So I had to resort to the internet, there was no other choice.

It's just all so confusing. I should be happy. I have everything I aimed for. I never thought my life could be like this just a few years ago. But I'm not happy. I'm numb...confused...seperated....lost....

I have a girlfriend who loves me very much and treats me well (mostly, but then we all have our off days). She gets on with all my friends and my family adore her. And as much as I hate to admit it, my mum's always right. So if she says this one's forever, why does that make me doubt us? Yes, she has a past. But I've always been a firm believer in the past shapes who you are today. And she's turned her life around. It's just....sometimes, that past creeps in to remind me of who she used to be. Or maybe who she'd still like to be if I wasn't in the picture.

I have lots of friends and people I can see any time of the week. My best friend is back in the country, although still lives too far away, but at least I can still talk to her regularly. And yet, apart from the material problems and typical issues anyone has, I have no-one to talk to about what's going on in my head. Either they wouldn't understand, or I'm just not comfortable talking to them. I've never been good at truely talking about myself to anyone. But I can't make sense of any of this or share my worries all by myself.

And I am worried. I feel like I'm on the brink of falling back into old spirals. I have a new flat, a good job, a future...and yet these familiar feelings are seeping their way back into my life. And all I want to do is embrace them! I want to wallow in self pity. I want to become a hermit. I want to be allowed to feel unhappy. Its almost annoying that my life is good.

If I'm honest, I have a real desire to lose it. Become an alcoholic....go crazy on drugs....lose my job, my friends, everything.... Then at least I would have a reason to feel depressed. I'd be allowed to be miserable.

What's wrong with me?!

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