Deep in thought

For the first time in my life, the idea of a threesome popped into my head as a positive thing. I'm ashamed to say that it happened while having sex with my girlfriend and when I closed my eyes and saw this little scene playing out, she wasn't one of the three. It seems strange to me, because I've never thought of the idea of a threesome as a turn-on. But I certainly enjoyed the images in my head that night!

I don't think I could ever go through with such a fantasy. I just don't see how someone wouldn't end up with their feelings hurt. If two of the three are a couple, then it's like watching your partner cheat on you. And if you do it with two single friends, then how is it not incredibly awkward the next day? But I know I could never sleep with people I hardly knew. And what if one person got more attention than another, or one had real feelings for one of the others? Plus, I'm not really sure how a threesome would work without someone being left out at moments. Specially as my threesome would involve three women!

But then, I really did enjoy the little scene in my head. Maybe if I were single with two sexy women, I might be more tempted? Specially if all the attention was on me. Too much pressure, the thought of satisfying TWO women for a night! Lol. I know I would never go through with it, even if the opportunity ever arose. For now, I can just be content with my thoughts....

I'm not sure what I want anymore..... Sometimes I feel so happy and contented when I'm with my girlfriend. Life seems perfect. But actually, she really annoys me a lot of the time. And there are some fundamental parts of her character that I absolutely detest. She's incredibly racist and prejudice. She doesn't seem to really like PEOPLE, which means there are very few of my friends that she doesn't slag off. I know I've lost most of my closest mates due to moving away, but that doesn't mean I want to distance myself further from the ones still left.

Maybe we've moved in together too early. Because that seems to have highlighted all the niggles that make us argue all the time. There are habits and lack of thought that just grate on me. And I know I do the same for her. I think we're actually quite similar in personality, which is why we argue sometimes. Because she likes things done her way and so do I, because she interrupts me and I do her, because she never believes that I know what I'm talking about and apparently I make her feel the same. A lot of the time, I feel like she actually doesn't like who I am.

Is it just that the honeymoon period is over? Or is it more than that? How do I know if it'll work out? How do I know we'll be happy? How do I know she's the one I'm meant to be with?

Lately, I've found myself yearning to be by myself, to be single again. To be able to be selfish and do the things I want to do. To have time to myself. To follow my own daily routine. To have a bit of space. But I do love her. How can I give that up? I'm just so confused.

Perhaps it's because she doesn't really have many friends. And she'll usually only go out if I go too. Where as I like to catch up with people by myself, or would like the option of having a night to myself when she goes to hang out with mates. I've never been one for 'merging' and becoming a couple joined at the hip. Whereas that's seems to be what suits her. Are we just incompatible or want different things? I just don't know anymore!

I don't want to break her heart or push her into depression. Life's hard at the moment, especially for her, and I don't want to make it worse. Plus, she can't find work at the moment, so she'd have to keep living with me if we broke up. She's got nowhere to go and I don't want to kick her out onto the streets. I don't want to hurt her and break all the loving promises we've made because of my own selfish wants.

I just wish she'd cheat on me, so I had reason to end things. Then I wouldn't have to be confused anymore.