I don't know what it is about me that makes me wish for problems and depression. I would never want to make light of someone with issues or troubles, but sometimes I just can't stand being happy.
Sometimes I want to do or say things that I know I'll regret later and will make me feel down. But its almost like I WANT to feel the regret and the hurt and the loneliness. I'm not supposed to be unhappy. I have my own place, a loving family, a great girlfriend, enough friends to get by, a good job, career prospects.... So why do I feel annoyed that I have all this and wish I had reason to stay in bed every day feeling sorry for myself? I'm scared I'm going to throw away all this great stuff just to depress myself!
But I guess, maybe I feel like this because I'm NOT happy. Maybe all these things aren't enough, or the right things, to make me enjoy life. I guess I just don't feel content. And the only times I've ever truly had moments of contentment were when I was by myself, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by natural beauty. I dream sometimes of travelling the world by myself with nothing more than a tent and a sleeping bag. But that's not realistic. You need money to even begin thinking about something like that.
I don't know, maybe I've just got itchy feet. I've been in my job for 10 months now with no real change in the work. I've been with my girlfriend for 9 months and I still have doubts that we're supposed to be together. It's not that the relationship is terrible, it's just I worry that only ever being with two people in my life isn't enough, or that I don't feel the love like I should. Have I settled? Did I just get tired of being single and took the first opportunity that came along? But if I end it, it may be the biggest mistake I've ever made. Why do I wish for the single life I had before that I hated so much?
The trouble is, I don't want to make any decisions about this. If things went wrong by themselves, then I can't blame myself. So that's what I wish for. I want my girlfriend to cheat on me so I have reason to end it. I want to be made redundant and become a hermit living on the pay out. I want to be diagnosed with a terminal illness. I even consider how I'd be if someone close to me died, but I don't want that. I don't want to hurt others with my own morbid thoughts.
My brain is so warped! I don't know why I want these things, because I know if any of them happened I'd be devastated and wish for what I have now. So I'm trying to fight my destructive thoughts....but I don't think I'm winning.
