What else could I do but start a blog?! There's no-one to talk to who I trust enough or would understand. I have all these thoughts and feelings running though me and no outlet. And I never seem to have the privacy to write in my 'Thoughts' book anymore. So I had to resort to the internet, there was no other choice.
It's just all so confusing. I should be happy. I have everything I aimed for. I never thought my life could be like this just a few years ago. But I'm not happy. I'm numb...confused...seperated....lost....
I have a girlfriend who loves me very much and treats me well (mostly, but then we all have our off days). She gets on with all my friends and my family adore her. And as much as I hate to admit it, my mum's always right. So if she says this one's forever, why does that make me doubt us? Yes, she has a past. But I've always been a firm believer in the past shapes who you are today. And she's turned her life around. It's just....sometimes, that past creeps in to remind me of who she used to be. Or maybe who she'd still like to be if I wasn't in the picture.
I have lots of friends and people I can see any time of the week. My best friend is back in the country, although still lives too far away, but at least I can still talk to her regularly. And yet, apart from the material problems and typical issues anyone has, I have no-one to talk to about what's going on in my head. Either they wouldn't understand, or I'm just not comfortable talking to them. I've never been good at truely talking about myself to anyone. But I can't make sense of any of this or share my worries all by myself.
And I am worried. I feel like I'm on the brink of falling back into old spirals. I have a new flat, a good job, a future...and yet these familiar feelings are seeping their way back into my life. And all I want to do is embrace them! I want to wallow in self pity. I want to become a hermit. I want to be allowed to feel unhappy. Its almost annoying that my life is good.
If I'm honest, I have a real desire to lose it. Become an alcoholic....go crazy on drugs....lose my job, my friends, everything.... Then at least I would have a reason to feel depressed. I'd be allowed to be miserable.
What's wrong with me?!
Archaic-Insanity
You should never resort to alcohol or drugs to get your mind off things. You say that you struggle talking to people about yourself. So you must act as a sort of agony aunt for everyone else right?
Well the problem is that you probably have taken on everyone elses problems in a selfless way. You need to be selfish, just a little bit, it is a basic human desire, don't deprive it constantly. Speak to someone about your troubles and you should start to feel to better with some outside opinions with people who care about you and support you. Don't do anything you may regret, afterall, you don't know what you got until it's gone.