Deep in thought

I do love my girlfriend and she loves me too, and at this precise moment in time we're very happy. So what's the problem? Why do I still have doubts?

I was single for four years and, although I was lonely and very ready to start a new relationship, I guess I got used to being by myself. I made plans assuming I'd never find someone - things like living abroad for a few years, going travelling again - that now will never be fulfilled. I learned to be happy(ish) being independent, looking after myself and not needing anyone. Its a habit I still find difficult to break, despite being with my lady for almost 8 months now. I don't want to become dependent on her or rely on her being around, because one day she might not be.

Its not just the vulnerability thing though. There are aspects of my single life that I really miss. Being able to do what I want when I want for a start, without having to check with my partner first. Being able to flirt outrageously for fun, getting drunk and talking crap, not worrying about who I talk to in my local lesbian pub - all things I can't really do now. And I know, you trade some things for others that are just as good when you get with a special someone. But I still miss them. I feel I have to be more restrained these days.

I know my girlfriend gave up a lot to be with me. She's never really been a relationship person before, and her old life consisted of drugs, drink and sleeping around for the most part. She flitted from job to job and cheated on all but one girlfriend she's had. She's settled down a lot since getting with me which I really appreciate, because I'm not like that. I'm responsible and put others before myself and really couldn't have coped with the stress of worrying what she was getting up to. Trouble is, I'm worried she misses that 'party' lifestyle she had and maybe one day will go back to it - that would pretty much be the end of us. She won't even put herself in an environment where she could start doing drugs or get so drunk she cheats. Not because it doesn't interest her anymore but because she doesn't trust herself not to go back to her old ways - she wouldn't have the will power. That makes me worry.

I guess I can't hold 'what ifs' against her forever, and she's proved how much she loves me so far. She's a more sensible, honest, loyal person these days. But I still can't shake this feeling of there being something missing. Shouldn't I know for definite if she's the one? I would never have pictured myself ending up with her. Maybe I got with her just because I was sick of being single. Maybe only having two relationships in my life makes me worry I'll want to 'sow my wild oats' later on. Maybe she'll hurt me & I'll have wasted this time.

I'm happy, but is that enough?

I've always chosen to put my issues on hold while I help others. I think it shows that I'm a good friend, one always willing to listen and advise those in need. I do what ever I can to make my friends happy. But perhaps thats my downfall?

I've never been good at sharing my problems with others. Maybe its because of the way I was brought up. Maybe its because, for the majority of my childhood, I didn't feel like I fit in or connected with those around me. Maybe its because I never believed my problems even came close to the dramatic lives of my friends. I've dealt with the people I care most about having eating disorders, depression, being attacked, suicide attempts, family grief.....how could my I let my silly problems effect me when they were still surviving through all of that?

But as I got older, people started coming to me less and less. I don't think it was a comment on me, but when the problems become more serious and grown up I no longer had the answers. And as you get older, maybe you feel like you should deal with stuff on your own. But I'd created this little niche for myself that was no longer needed. I was no longer needed. And suddenly, when your friends aren't sharing their problems with you anymore, it removes all possibility of sharing your own with them. How can I be so vulnerable with people who aren't vulnerable too?

My girlfriend tells me off all the time. She says I shouldn't get so involved in everyone's lives, that there are those who abuse my willingness to listen. But what she can't seem to understand is that without that use I am nothing, no-one, just another acquaintance in people's lives. I need to be needed. That is my folly.

What else could I do but start a blog?! There's no-one to talk to who I trust enough or would understand. I have all these thoughts and feelings running though me and no outlet. And I never seem to have the privacy to write in my 'Thoughts' book anymore. So I had to resort to the internet, there was no other choice.

It's just all so confusing. I should be happy. I have everything I aimed for. I never thought my life could be like this just a few years ago. But I'm not happy. I'm numb...confused...seperated....lost....

I have a girlfriend who loves me very much and treats me well (mostly, but then we all have our off days). She gets on with all my friends and my family adore her. And as much as I hate to admit it, my mum's always right. So if she says this one's forever, why does that make me doubt us? Yes, she has a past. But I've always been a firm believer in the past shapes who you are today. And she's turned her life around. It's just....sometimes, that past creeps in to remind me of who she used to be. Or maybe who she'd still like to be if I wasn't in the picture.

I have lots of friends and people I can see any time of the week. My best friend is back in the country, although still lives too far away, but at least I can still talk to her regularly. And yet, apart from the material problems and typical issues anyone has, I have no-one to talk to about what's going on in my head. Either they wouldn't understand, or I'm just not comfortable talking to them. I've never been good at truely talking about myself to anyone. But I can't make sense of any of this or share my worries all by myself.

And I am worried. I feel like I'm on the brink of falling back into old spirals. I have a new flat, a good job, a future...and yet these familiar feelings are seeping their way back into my life. And all I want to do is embrace them! I want to wallow in self pity. I want to become a hermit. I want to be allowed to feel unhappy. Its almost annoying that my life is good.

If I'm honest, I have a real desire to lose it. Become an alcoholic....go crazy on drugs....lose my job, my friends, everything.... Then at least I would have a reason to feel depressed. I'd be allowed to be miserable.

What's wrong with me?!